In Defense of Lying

As you read through this blog for strategies on helping perpetuate your child’s happiness, note how each post presents authentic, real life issues that families deal with every day across this great nation.  These posts include sound suggestions on how to handle each tough situation- from the dreaded topic of sex to parental conflict.  The solutions are gleaned from tried and true experiences that I have both lived through and witnessed.  Now, this may seem like a purely anecdotal collection of advice, but there is real science behind it all.  Take for example, the chart below.  First of all, it is a chart.  Secondly, it indicates precisely that lying- be it through omission or not- is the unspoken secret to a happy family.  The data below was collected by NIPLL (National Independent Parental Lying League), an organization that I have had a bear of a time launching beyond our weekly cocktail hour set.  Sure, perhaps my friends are all drunk at the time, but even the childfree ones fully back the importance of shielding children from awful truths.  Or maybe just shielding themselves from children- I can’t help but notice their disappointed looks when the little ones go rogue during a dinner party and come downstairs for a Family von Trapp meet and greet.  At any rate, I trust that this blog will help garner support for NIPLL, a most dignified and highly relevant organization.

As you can see, the foundation for lying is logical.  Children need to remain children and ultimately do not want to know the truth.  They do not want life demystified.  They want enchantment and delight- and information on condoms, for example, singlehandedly negates both of those.  So, when confronted by inappropriate curiosity, do anything in your power not to answer truthfully.  The truth will not set you free.  I will go as far as to say that the truth will chain you to a series of disappointing (for all parties) conversations that will forever haunt you and your child.

In conclusion, there is a direct correlation between withholding developmentally inappropriate material from children and the length and happiness of their childhood.  There is no reason children should know anything, frankly, other than readin’, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic.  Ignorance is bliss, after all!  So, read on and you will find not only a surprising array of familiar and treacherous situations, but also multiple, scientifically-based defense methods!

My kids know that without a doubt, mommy will be there to make sure that they can frolic in a safe, magical land called “childhood,” uninhabited by weird, distasteful fact ogres.  And remember- that truth obsessed freak, Immanuel Kant, never had children!