It has been a while, friends, and to my avid fans who have been too polite to overwhelm my inbox with pleas and complaints, I say “thank you!” In fact, your respectful complete radio silence has been an inspiration. Truly.
I have been on a bit of a hiatus developing my new philosophy that will have Sartre rolling in his grave- if it weren’t for that pipe he keeps getting stuck on… not to mention that helluva lazy eye. How did that man have such mad game with the ladies- especially with lines like “hell is other people?” I mean, “the booze tab is other people’s” would have swung my vote. But I digress….
As a parent of two children and the owner of two unwieldy jack russells, I have found moments every day to contemplate my new method of reasoning (one that has, unbeknownst to me, fueled my responsible lying movement from the very beginning). While showering, driving aimlessly around the block, and yes, hiding in the pantry, I have carved out the time to mull this over à la Kierkegaard- albeit with a lot less churchin’, and yet ironically, a bit more “spirits,” as it were.
What am I talking about? Positive negativism! Just drink it in, people. Herein lies the answer to approaching life in this fast paced, morally relativist, victimhood-obsessed world we inhabit. Positive negativism celebrates that nothing is fair, everything sucks, and that more importantly, your children are decidedly not college material. But fear not, there is a silver lining: serendipity! That nickle you found on the ground? After a good thousand of those, you’re on your way to the bar! That “C-” your kid brought home in math? A few more lucky hits like that and he’ll be outta that “D” slump in no time! And no, I’m not advocating that crazy “all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds” nonsense. And certainly not that banal “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” That would be plagiarism! If life gives you lemons, you’ll have to suck hard- but reach for the tequila bottle and pray you didn’t polish it off the last time your college roommate was in town.
The heart of positive negativism is pretty simple- whatever comes your way, just deal with it! It can’t get any worse, can it? Of course it can, fool! But at some point you have to hit rock bottom, right? So chill out, everyone. 2018 is going to be a great year once you strap on your big girl adult diapers and stop watching the news.