I Would First Like to Thank the Academy and Dr. Edelstein….

Truly, too much has been made of talking to your children about s-e-x.  As you well know, I consider this a daunting task that should be avoided at all costs until you can no longer do so- say perhaps a quick warning in her ear as she heads up the altar.  It shows you care without having to go into too much detail.

But what happens when you are sabotaged by well-meaning parents who mistakenly tell their children “the truth” about, you know, “stuff?”  Well, my friends, I was recently in a ghastly situation that necessitated quick deflection and a dressing up of “facts” that would have landed my big fat lies on the red carpet.  Allow me to elucidate.

Several weeks ago my children were badly informed of the basic mechanics of The Act straight from a little friend they have known and loved since kindergarten.  Oh, the treachery!  After this playdate- during which my children’s interrogation skills successfully fulfilled several police academy requirements- my sweet, innocent spawn presented me with the extent of the aforementioned betrayal.  For a moment, I was frozen with fear.  I deftly cupped my chin, adopting an air of knowledge and self-control.

“Interesting, children.  Well, I have to say I am disappointed with this turn of events.  However, your information is full of mad inaccuracies that you are too young for me to clear up.  What do you think of the matter?”birdsandbees

My daughter piped up first.  “I wish I had never heard any of this.  I really thought I wanted to know but I was wrong.  No more information is just fine, Mommy.”

“Good thinking, hold on to that childhood a bit longer, dear.  Son?  What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m just disappointed in you because you went and did that.  Gross!”   The little wretch!

“How dare you, son?  Why would you ever say that to your poor mother?”

“Because she said that is how babies are born.”

“Oh, silly boy!  You two are in vitro babies!  Mommy and Daddy never had to do anything like That Thing to have you.  No, no, no!  You two rest assured that there was none of that in this house to have you!”  I cannot describe the look of relief on their little faces, the hugging, the kissing, the general merriment, the ice cream treats and the vodka shot I snuck while I pretended to hit the head!

While we were all happily holding hands, they ate their yummy ice cream and my daughter announced proudly, “all my kids are going to be in vitro, too.  No weird stuff for me!”

In total solidarity my son piped up that he would also go the in vitro route with his future wife.  “I mean, I would never marry a girl who does that!”

“No, of course not, dear.  Now enjoy your ice cream.”

And all was well with the world.