Yep. The day finally has come. The one that tests your resolve and questions your life’s work as a parent. Will you pass or fail? Will you be fired? If only! Parenting is forever, people. No Trump here to relieve you of your duties- although he may often make you relieve yourself….
No- I’m talking about middle school sex ed. That course that “introduces” concepts that your sweet child should be spared until absolutely necessary. Perhaps the wedding aisle, as I have suggested in a previous post? Oh, back off, haters!
So, in a show of supreme courage and aplomb- which took me a few weeks to drum up- I approached my daughter about what she had learned. It went something like this….
“So, ah, sex ed, huh?”
“As if you could handle it, Mom!”
“Easy there. Give me some credit. After all, I am willing to talk about it.”
“It was forever ago- and why do you look like you’re about to cry? I don’t see what you are so upset about. You got to get in vitro and never had to do It.”
“Hmm. Too true, too true. Well, I’m not actually interested in details. I’m just curious how everyone handled it. That poor nurse who had to teach it to you girls! Egads!”
“Forget the nurse! She’s fine but the rest of us are scarred for life! Oh, Mommy, there was so much screaming! Everyone was freaking out! But there was one really savage girl who was so brave she only flinched repeatedly without ever uttering a sound.”
“Wow- sounds like she was seizing. Are you aware of her medical history?”
“What? No… yikes- maybe. I’ll ask her. Anyway, that s-e-x stuff is gross. I mean, ain’t nobody got time for that!”
“Ya nailed it! Can you say that a little louder, though, sweetie? Please?? Daddy’s in the other room and you have to speak up!”
“Don’t worry- I’ll figure something out. So, you’re good? Need any- uh- ‘holes’ filled in? Sorry- not the best metaphor.”
“No, Mom! Ew! Now you are freaking me out. I mean, do you want the nurse to call you or email you her PowerPoint slides? I gotta get out of this conversation!”
“Aw, no thanks. I’m good. Glad we had The Talk.”
“Yeah. It was awesome. Let’s never do this again!” And off she stomped.
As I wiped away a tear, I knew I had done good. Granted, she is unpolished, but her desire to avoid the truth, her natural instinct to spare me the horrid news, and her refusal to fully engage me despite my entreaties, filled me with pride. She will make a fine parent someday. The best gift I could ever receive on Mother’s Day!
So, to all you mothahs out there- have a happy, happy Hallmark holiday! And keep up the lying!