Yes, it’s time for a lesson from The Lying Guide. Let’s start with the seemingly simplest of tasks: taking your kids to school in the jovial, music-infused environment that is your car. Your children are smiling and it’s another beautiful day.
Then these gratuitously explicit lyrics pop up that would make Cole Porter proud: “When I get you moaning you’ll know it’s real / Can you feel the pressure between your hips? / I’ll make you feel like the first time.” (Oh, right, because that was such a joy! And why does he have to ask her if she feels the pressure between her hips? Doesn’t say much for him, if you know what I mean….)
Anyway, start out easy, and don’t take any unnecessary risks. Latch on to something like the moaning. A lightly thrown out “Gee, the stomach flu sure is a horrible thing” is a good option. Don’t rush things. Wait to see if the children are even listening. No response means that you have just dodged a bullet! The kids were oblivious, in their own little gumdrop world, and the gods have smiled upon you.
But what if the little weasels were listening all the while, preparing to belt out this gem of a ditty to the whole playground? This is not good! You must discredit this song- and fast! These lyrics only appeal to a 14 year old who has yet to experience the apparently wondrous rapture of the “first time,” and thus you would think they’d lose their attraction on their own merits. But these are 8 and 10 year olds in the car that we’re talking about! They have no discernment or critical thinking skills- these people are clueless, and they’re about to humiliate you in front of Miss Molly. Miss Molly, for Christ’s sake! The woman is a human sieve of gossip and tongue wagging!
“Mommy, does the lady in the song have the stomach flu?”
The “lady.” That’s rich. A real cheap little number, that Ariana Grande. What is she like 12 or something? Where is her mother?! Probably gave her “the talk” when she was 7 and this is what we end up with 5 years later. All moans and hips in what appears to be a state of twilight anesthesia.
“Yes, and that’s why she’s moaning in pain because her stomach hurts so badly. Her stomach. In her hips. You’ll learn all about that in anatomy class one day. Tricky stuff. She’s probably about to throw up.”
“Ew, Mommy, that’s gross! But why does he want her to throw up like the first time? How does he know she’s had the stomach flu before?” Good Lord, this child is a good listener!
“Well, you know, maybe not the stomach flu but like when she was a baby. Babies throw up all the time!”
“HA! Like when I used to throw up on you and Daddy!”
“Yeah, that was a really funny time. But this song is stupid.”
“Stupid and gross. I wanna hear another song now.”
Success! See how easy that was? It’s what I call “the deflection method.” I’ll go into detail about that later, but I thought I would introduce it first with a little modeling exercise. Protect the children by burying anything explicit under layers of the absurd (it’s Eugene Ionesco for kids!) and therefore letting them retreat into a land of lullabies and innocence.
Remember- kids don’t need weird information about hips and first times. No one does. Except for maybe those 14 year olds. They’re pathetic.