Till Death Do Us Part: Pledge or Fervent Wish?

Ah, yes.  Why do mommy and daddy fight?  Why do birds fly south in the winter and why does spring cover the leaves with trees?  Marital feuding is not only natural, it’s a good example for children on how to deal with disagreements in a way that is respectful and dignified- or at least learn some good, solid passive-aggressive strategies.  But really, this notion of getting divorced once you have children is nonsense.  After procreating, you will never get rid of your spouse- never, ever, ever.  So, you might as well spare yourselves the expense and suck it up, stay married, and indulge in the occasional spousal homicide daydream- hey, it’s free and extremely satisfying!  Anyway, who gets married for happiness?  Amateurs!

As you can see, I am a very old-fashioned gal.  Plus, I do not want to be a two-time loser!  So now that I have already been conveniently divorced, I no longer believe in divorce.  See how that works?  Frankly, there are two main reasons I would never get divorced… again.   Nope, make that three: 1) my children, 2) my body, and 3) my body.  It has taken me almost twenty years to train my husband to accept its many flaws (after the bait and marrriage invitationswitch routine of getting together when I was thin and in shape).  I’m too embarrassed to put this thing back on the market and frankly, it wouldn’t sell.  I don’t suppose I could give it away, come to think of it.

So, when having a heated discussion with your spouse, remember to repeatedly state
positive mantras like “OK, you know I love you…” to be followed by the real point, “but you really have to curb your mother!”  Never use hateful language, and it is a good idea to come up with code language, or a “safe” word, during an argument that will alert your spouse that this tragic, marital mutation of foreplay has gone too far.  If you need to swear in exasperation, perhaps go for a made-up cuss word that both satisfies, like “geegernbuggle,” and also sends a message that you are at your wit’s end.  Nothing brings more pleasure than a fricative, by the by, and German is full of silly fricatives.  A well timed “Fahrvergnügen fliegen scheisse!” goes a long way.  Just never, ever leave your kids thinking that they need to fear for the union of the core family.  They can rest assured that their parents are shackled together in matrimony no matter how much they hate each other!  Hopefully you will find the exchange below edifying.

“Have you seen my car keys, honey?”

“Not after I found them for you last week, nope.”

“Thanks for the sarcasm, but I am already late for a meeting and need all the help I can get, sweetie.”

“But I’m in the bathroom.  And I hate it when you talk to me while I’m in the durn tootin’, flick flocking bathroom.  You know that!”

“Little ears, little ears….”

“But you know I love you!”

“Me, too!  OK, the kids’re in the kitchen now.  So… any thoughts on those keys?”

“Maybe they’re up your….”

“Ears, ears are back!”

“Up your ears, darling cakes!  That’s where the kinkerlinking keys must be!”

“Oops, wait!  They’re in my pocket.  Sorry, my bad!”

That conversation, albeit tinged with bitterness and resentment, is pretty tame.  Bottom line, you must always be aware of your children’s whereabouts, particularly when involved in a confrontation.  Yes, the fact that my husband has lost pretty much everything he has ever owned at least once, including one of our children at a museum, does drive me to distraction.  And it is true that there is no activity more violating than the interruption of one’s bathroom time.  Nonetheless, we must retain our dignity even when we lose our shnorfinkle cool a bit.

Anyhoo, pfyrshleeng marriage!  Am I right?

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2 thoughts on “Till Death Do Us Part: Pledge or Fervent Wish?

  1. You are doing this all wrong. Should spousal arguments happen the children should be set up as a panel to decide winners and losers. This teaches the whole family a wonderful object lesson in leverage, coercion, bribery, crafting a persuasive argument and especially a lesson in resentment. What better preparation for a career in politics could possibly exist?

    Son- “Mom, I’m not sure your location, being the bathroom, is directly related to the location of the keys, which is the real issue at hand, so your objection is overruled.”

    Daughter- “While Mom’s location does not directly relate to the keys location, which is what Dad says the issue is, we all know the real issue is Dad’s alcoholism so your whole premise of locations is simply a straw man. I think the real objection should be over the smell of the bathroom and the stench of this whole argument.”

    Dad- “The keys and my drinking are completely unrelated. the two of you are on a dreadful tangent.”

    Mom- “All three of you are grounded.”

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