OK, I know what you’re thinking. Is the title of this post the internal monologue of last Friday night, after boozing it up all night with your pals, and then your drunken and delusional spouse gives you the telltale threatening wink- or “the white man’s mating call?” No. Not at all. In fact, I am harkening back to the Reagan years when Nancy- who had just said “no” to the offer of yet another meal- was encouraging us young folk to “Stop the Madness” and not engage in drug use. A worthy pursuit!
Now, the prevailing opinion on steering children away from drugs is to talk with them openly and frankly about the dangers and risks of narcotics. Not on this blog, you don’t! Sure, it sounds like a good plan, but at some point they will catch wind of the claim that wine is a drug! I mean, come on now, some of my best friends are wine! You do not want to end up sounding like a horrible hypocrite and propel your children toward revenge drugs!
So, avoid an actual talk altogether. Instead, you would be wise to pepper commentary with words such as “damned narcotics at it again” or “shouldn’t have done drugs” or when watching a halftime show “can’t imagine hallucinogens weren’t involved in that wardrobe malfunction!” You can get some major anti-drug traction by chucking out any of those phrases while passing a homeless person, a Justin Bieber poster or someone in yoga pants. Above all, never let them hear the pairing of “drugs and alcohol.” That’ll put the kibosh on your weekends right quick!
So, on this festive day when we celebrate this great nation, let us go forth with our liquid bread and fermented grape and commune with family and friends- which does include Uber drivers- and remind our children that the Founding Fathers would never, ever have accomplished so much had they smoked the marijuana cigarette or gone for the kibbles and bits. And, no, meth did not create Washington’s need for wooden teeth. Show some respect!
And God bless America!