As I have mentioned earlier, and for damned good reasons, I have a strong opposition to children’s rampant use of anatomical terminology, as encouraged by today’s tell-all-parent. This is not only inappropriate; it is painfully awkward for anyone outside of the childrearing years of thirty-five to forty. No one should have to experience the equivalent of Cindy Lou Hoo discussing nipples, penises, or God-forbid, her special “button.” I mean, come on! After all, The Color Purple was a tragic tale, people, not a glossary for preschoolers!
So, how to combat this revolting trend? How to appropriately reference anatomy, especially if it is itchy, hurt on the monkey bars, or simply hanging out of a pair of pants? Unless you were raised in a commune by irresponsible hippie-freaks, driveling non-stop about Walt Whitman’s body electric, we have to go no further than our own childhoods, where our uptight parents inspected our offending body parts through the lens of a well-filled martini glass. Like them, we should use generic, inoffensive terms like “your privates.” This term not only conveniently blurs the line between male and female (no, there is no sex!), but it can also give you quite a chuckle upon arriving at an army post.
Sometimes anatomy is even baptized with cute family names, such as “your bott-bott” or “rumpey-pumpey.” There is no need to get too cute, of course, but you see what I am getting at. The bottom line (snort, chuckle- there is a pun there!) is that in no way should these terms be sexual or even universally identifiable in the event of an unfortunate incident at the store, or worse, church. The Lord’s Prayer should never be marred with comments about the child’s vagina in the pew behind you. On a side note, the touching of the anatomy can be a problem: steer clear of Michael Jackson videos and encourage frequent trips to the bathroom.
For your edification, below is a chart of terms that I have found quite useful. You’re welcome!